trusting life's timing
Do you ever think back on specific experiences or moments in your life that were very heightened? Heightened in a sense of emotion; you might have been eager, excited, angry, anxious, sad, etc. and you think back on those times and realize how ridiculous you were acting or how one-track minded you might have been? Every thought that crossed your mind was life or death, do or die. Maybe I’m just dramatic, but I have been through so many situations where I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling.
This is all very vague, but what I’m getting at is the now. Now you are able to look back at these instances in hindsight. You can see how these experiences have shaped you. How you may have grown or not grown. Maybe you are still in the process of healing. Either way, we collect these experiences and learn from them. This all ties into the timing of life. Your timing.
We all have hopes and aspirations, yes? We tend to view ourselves as the potential we know we have. As a gay man especially, we are often expected to live a glamorous, successful, career-driven life. This falsification of self image and self worth is extremely damaging and hinders the ability for true growth. To clarify, I am not saying it is harmful to understand your potential and to dream big—I am urging you to take time to reflect and to understand the intentions behind your wants. Find whether the pressures you are feeling are coming from your authentic self, from your true desires, or if they are of external pressures from the way you want others to view you or pressures to be the person other people want you to be. Self-reflection is vital in times of uncertainty. The next time you find yourself getting worked up in thought and anxiety, remind yourself to find the source of that pressure. Who/what is causing you to feel insecure?
We all have different paths, some easier than others. During my senior year of college, I was certain that I knew my path. I knew exactly what I wanted out of life and I thought that simply by knowing and believing this with my whole heart, it would somehow come to be. I still believe that path is for me. But what I was too naïve to understand at the time is that getting to that point would require endless work, thought, energy, healing, growth, reflection, failures, and successes alike. I thought I had my life figured out in excess. I was graduating from a great school with a perfect GPA, some great experience under my belt, and tons of ambition. Reality slapped me across the face when I got back home and found myself plummeting into the worst depression of my life.
I had applied to over 300 jobs over the span of 6 months and had pretty much nothing to my name but thousands of dollars in student loans to repay. No car, no freedom, no way to escape from the insecurities I was feeling as a recently graduated unemployed burnout. I lost all sense of community and belonging and any ambition left in me was depleting by the second. I often see people joking about post-grad depression on social media, but my god it is no joke. It shocks me how nobody really talks about it seriously or prepares you for it. Things were bad and quickly getting worse. Through these agonizing months of waiting for something to happen, my emotions were numb, my mental health was a dumpster fire, and I lost all sense of worth.
As I became desperate for work, I ended up settling for a job that I never envisioned myself taking in a million years; I accepted a management position in the very same retail store where I landed my first job as a 17-year old high school senior to be. The universe has some pretty stellar comedy chops.
I say this with no disrespect to the retail industry, by the way. I was so incredibly grateful for that opportunity, and still am today. This job was just SO far out of left field that it had never even crossed my mind before I found myself interviewing for it in the same shopping mall where I had worked all throughout my adolescent years prepping for when I left for college to get my degree and land my dream job. I felt so. lost.
I will spare you the details of how toxic and soul-sucking that job was, but good lord did it push me to my limits. I was doing things that I never knew I had in me, one of which was running an entire store and team of 85 associates on Black Friday by myself. At one point in the wee hours of the morning, when the line was wrapped and wrapped around the store, all of the registers shut down simultaneously. How I am still alive today, I do not know.
What I do know is that I saved some money, was self-aware enough to realize that this job was draining me, and left the company, leading me right back to the drawing board. The big difference here is that now I had some experience. A taste of a world I had previously known nothing of.
I had pushed myself beyond the limits of what should ever be asked of a person.
I invested my wisdom and knowledge into a team of young people who were in the same position I was at the age of 17.
& I found my worth and allowed myself the space to realize that I was not doing what my heart and soul truly desired.
Fast forward a couple weeks of soul searching and r&r and I was much healthier. I bought myself my first (old & used, but fully functioning) car and was ready to take the world by storm. These weeks were filled with so much gratitude. I would wake up some mornings and just cry because of how grateful I was. To be free. To be alive. To be me. Even when I had nothing, it felt so good to be on the other side of the hill.
I am happy to report that things only went up from here! I ended up landing an interview at a digital marketing agency and felt like I completely bombed it. Here we are, almost a year later and I have never been so happy working with a team of like-minded individuals who value me and support my work, my dreams, and constantly affirm my talents and ideas. There was no secret formula to getting here, besides trusting that things were going to be okay and never giving up on myself. Even still, things are far from perfect. In fact, in the long run, I am still nowhere near where I truly want to be. But that, and I cannot stress this enough, is OKAY. It’s okay. I’m okay. You’re okay. Wherever you’re at in life, know that you are on your way and that nothing is fully permanent. If you can relate to my story in any which way, I hope this gives you some hope and some insight on the ebb and flow of life's struggles and triumphs as a young adult entering the 'real world.'
Lastly, I would like to leave you with a few actionable items that helped me and will hopefully help you strive to call to your authentic self, experience gratitude in full, and embark on your journey of transformative growth!
connect.
During times of hardship, whether it be depression, anxiety, or deeply rooted insecurities I urge you to connect with people in your life who love you unconditionally. I felt so alone and helpless, but each and every time I simply connected with another person, whether that was just grabbing coffee or catching up on the phone, I felt a little bit of hope—inspiration, even that I was still be the person that I knew I could be.
P.S. I definitely felt like I had no friends at the time, but all of that was tied to me isolating myself because I was not happy with myself and did not want to repeat the same old "No, I'm not working right now. Yes, I've been applying everywhere." speech. Let go of the shame you might be feeling and take ownership of where you are at in life, because I promise you it's only temporary and others might be going through the same struggles.disconnect.
When you are unemployed, you've got time, time, and nothing but time. I can promise you that scrolling through social media comparing your life to your college acquaintances and super hot instagram influencers will do nothing but make it worse. Try to resist the urge and practice some healthy activities. Which brings me to my next point:
re-connect.
With all of the time you have on your hands, try reconnecting with life’s simple joys; Drawing, painting, singing, exercising, writing, cooking, meditating—whatever that may be for you. Focus your time and energy on positive things that make you happy and better you in the long run. One thing I understand now that I work full time + part time on the side is that time is truly precious. Utilize it doing things that you love instead of wallowing in your sadness and comparing yourself to others. This is SO key and something I wish I had explored a bit more. I still have to remind myself of this tip whenever I find myself with a little bit of extra time on my hands (hence, why I am writing this blog post right now! :-)
The human experience can be so complex and so painful, but there is beauty in all of it and you will get to where you want to be as long as you keep fighting for it. I hope this reaches somebody who needs it and I hope you find some gold in all of this. You are never alone. I'm rooting for you! Always ♡
Justin